This Old House

This piece was originally written in March 2012.

I don't know why I did it. It was a long, exhausting day. Nothing went smoothly. All seemed a battle--with kids, with myself. I was tired. The kids were FINALLY sleeping. I thought I would just relax and watch some TV. In an attempt to find a program we both enjoy, my husband switched from basketball to a home improvement show. It was one of those kitchen makeover shows where the couple shows the contractor everything they hate about their current kitchen. Together, they look at plans for a new one, and then--voila--15 minutes later their "outdated, bland, horrible, unbelievable, gotta-go" kitchen is transformed into the kitchen of their dreams. After final clips of the smiling couple sipping coffee over crushed glass counter tops, they live happily ever after.

"Are you kidding me?" I say. "I would love to have their kitchen!" And I am talking about the BEFORE version, not the AFTER. You see, we live in an old house. Not only does the kitchen give me daily cause for sighs of disgruntled angst, the rest of the house does, too. The toilets run and wake us up at night. The hardwood floors have lost their finish, leaving exposed wood that is hard to clean and has provided plenty of splinters in my kids' feet. The paint is chipping all over the place. All. Over. The. Place. Did I mention the mold I found in the back of the closets last year? It's not like we have slumlords, either. There's no one to blame. We have fabulous landlords who have problems fixed promptly when we can't do it, and who keep the rent affordable. They even have our patch of grass mowed each week by their landscapers. But who would want to pour money into a rental property to refinish floors or buy new appliances? I understand that. The house is livable. It's actually really cute and in a fabulous location. But what we don't pay in rent, we pay in energy bills. This 100 year old house has no insolation. The windows, although permanently stuck shut in several places, are as old as the house and leak air. Your jaw would drop if I showed you our winter energy bills--and this is just to keep our house tolerably warm!

But my discontent simmers mostly in the kitchen. The refrigerator hums louder than a fighter jet taking off. I have actually witnessed visitors jump and ask, "What's that noise?" The fridge is so small, it only holds about 4-5 days worth of groceries. I have three hungry, growing boys. I'm afraid I will have to do a supermarket run every 3 days in a year or two! The old tile floor, no matter how much I scrub it, never looks clean. When I set the oven, I can count on it to heat somewhere within 50 degrees of my desired temperature, which makes baking a perpetual experiment. Two burners on the stove don't light without some special tricks (which, I should add, I am pretty darn good at with my magic lighter wand.) The old tile countertops are cracked and chipped. The grout is stained black, although up the backsplash I can see it used to be a pleasant shade of light blue. I kinda wish I didn't know that. Gross.

My husband has skills. Sweet home improvement skills. He even had a small business going for a while when we needed extra money. He never lacked for work because he actually showed up and did the work when he said he would. Everyone told their friends. But sometimes when you have knowledge of what you are really seeing, you can't live in the ignorance-is-bliss state. He sees the need for repair or renovation nearly everywhere he looks in our home, but he admits it is just not worth the time or money to put into a rental. He has already given the bathroom a facelift, painted 2 rooms, fixed countless toilet and sink problems, repaired plaster walls (which is no small task), fixed jammed doorknobs and doors, sealed ductwork to increase efficiency, plugged every possible entry point for mice, nailed down loose floor boards, rewired some electric (which I sincerely think he looses sleep over because it's so old and potentially dangerous), and replaced rotting wood. Yes, he definitely has skills.

During my little episode fuming over DIY network & HGTV, I abruptly decide to go to bed instead of watch the rest of the show. It is not long, somewhere between brushing my teeth and falling asleep, I have to admit the biggest thing in disrepair in our whole house is really my own heart. The TV networks are not to blame. Although my kitchen could use a renovation, my heart needs a make-over first.

In her book, One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp tells her story of transformation. From the tragedies and sadness in her youth, she struggles to experience God's goodness and love. All her doubts and questions come from a heart which is alive but not really living. While she exists under this dark cloud, her friend dares her to list 1000 things for which she is thankful. She accepts the dare and begins to jot down, in a notebook, those moments in the day that might otherwise pass her by. Over time, with this practice, she begins to see the beautiful (and even the ugly and hard) are really displays of God's love for her. Her eyes are being trained to see it. She begins to see how she is loved more than she can imagine. She begins to experience the truth that God is always good. I find her poetic, raw, introspective writing captivating.

So, I start my own journal. One thousand gifts. It is easy to notice God in the blooming wonder of spring, the laughter of my children, the food provided in our daily feasts, a sweet hour with a friend. But in my running toilet at 3 am? In my tiny refrigerator? In the chipping paint?

I am learning it starts with gratitude. A thankful heart is the door to joy. It is impossible to have joy with a thankless, complaining heart. The feelings might not be there to start. But I make a decision. Instead of muttering when the toilet begins to run like Niagara Falls, early the next morning, I say, "Thank you, God, that we have a toilet." It is not some grand spiritual moment. It is just simple words. But alongside these words, images begin forming in my mind: homes that don't have toilets. Places in the world that don't have toilets. PEOPLE in the world who don't have toilets. I think about living in the Caribbean during our first year of marriage and daily viewing the windowless shack down the hill from us, swarming with chickens and children. I think about my mission trip to Mexico during high school: the dusty village where, from their poverty, women fed us tortillas cooked over their open fires. Beyond the crumbling adobe church, where we acted out Bible stories to wide-eyed children, was with the neighborhood outhouse. Flies buzzed the dilapidated wooden box. The door hung on but barley closed. A stench overwhelmed. I came back home feeling MOST thankful for two things: showers and toilets. I've seen life without toilets. So I say it again, but I mean it more. "Thank you, God, that we have a toilet, even if it may run loudly and annoy me. I am so thankful we have one."

Another day begins. In the quiet of the morning, I read in the living room, and the refrigerator begins to take off. The inclination, the default of my heart, is to inwardly roll my eyes. "Here we go again." On a good day, I might sarcastically sing, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...." There may be laughter. But I want joy. "Thank you, God for my refrigerator." And a series of photo-like images dance through my mind: beautiful bronze-toned people who live in a desperately cracked land, thirsty for rain. Their hands hold grain. The man I saw in the city sleeping curled up under the tree, plastic bags and newspapers for warmth. His nutrition is handed to him from strangers. He will find tomorrow's food from garbage cans. The aisles of three grocery stores within two miles of me, overflowing, abundant, full. The refrigerator on the front porch, half-covered with ripped tarp, doors falling off, in the unfamiliar neighborhood we drove through yesterday. Was it the only one they had? And I mean it more, "Thank you, Father, for this refrigerator, old and small as it is. Thank you for filling it. You provide our daily bread. We are never in want. We are satisfied. You have been so good."

Later, in the middle of switching the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I notice the chipping paint. I am in the laundry room where baseboards and windowsills are chipped and speckled, where wood and layers of years show though. Sometimes the complaint becomes comfortable. Do I really want joy? Before I say it, I doubt it. "Thank you, God...for chipping paint?" I feel my insincerity. I say it out loud. "I'm stuck. I'm not really thankful for chipping paint. I don't see any good in it." The dryer door slams shut. I clutch a pile of clean colored clothes and hit a switch to start the hum. He doesn't leave me there. What mercy. He speaks. "Look beyond the paint." I do. And I am undone. Broken. My overactive tears ducts strike again. I lean over the dryer, clutching clothes, crying. "The walls! Thank you, God, for these WALLS!" I really mean it. The memories overwhelm me. The last eight years, the only home my children can remember. In the doorway of the dining room, we have added to the chipping speckles a ladder of pencil marks to show how they've grown. These walls have been our shelter. The place where we have fought, made love, wept over losses and confusion, laughed at surprises, and celebrated the marks of the journey with candles, cupcakes, Christmas trees, and clicking cameras. We have lived out God's gift of life in these walls. Imperfect, but strong, secure, walls. I feel foolish. But He knows all things. "Thank you, God, for these walls. For this home." The circumstances of finding and moving to THIS house were so clearly His doing. "Thank you for picking this home for us. For letting our family grow in this safe place. We are so, SO blessed."

The running toilet, the old refrigerator, and the chipping paint have not changed. But I am changing.

He reminds me that all are shadows of Him. "Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God" (Psalm 90:1-3.) I just need eyes to see it. The things of this world are passing away, but I have a home, a God, who endures forever. This old house can lead me to Him. Through the simple act of thanksgiving, I can open the door to dismantle the dissatisfaction. I want joy. More than granite countertops, a guest room, or energy efficient windows, I want joy. And I want Him.

The Lord, He is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.
Psalm 100:3-5

A New Year's Eve Reflection

(to the tune of Auld Lang Syne)

We count the seconds on the clock
We shout, the day is done!
A new day dawns
A new year comes
We sing the rising sun.

There is a place, I know not where,
A time, I know not when,
But we will meet
And gladly greet
A world without the sun.

We sing our endless praise to you
We sing our endless praise!
We now begin to never end
The praises of our king!

Timeless, the world will never end
And in this place of light
No sorrows shroud
No pain-filled cloud
No tears shed in the night.

We’ll count the blessings of the Lamb
We’ll shout, for he has won!
Our king will reign
And with the saints
We’ll sing the risen son.

We sing our endless praise to you
We sing our endless praise!
We now begin to never end
The praises of our king!

Poem For the Perfectionist

Reflectionism

You

prepare a table

before me

my cup

runs over

and I

worry about the spill

table manners

you desire

are only

open hands

gratitude

the poison of perfectionism

has seeped into my feast

but I wean

off

the poison drink

and instead sip

grace

discovering I am only

the glass

which might reflect

your love, your face

getting it right

trumped by

reflecting your light




(Thank you to Ann Voskamp for the idea of perfectionism being a poison.)

I Remember Her Name

She is a freshman, and I am a senior. I have a car, so she asks me to drive her to Planned Parenthood. “I think I might be pregnant.” For half the year, she sits across from me, diagonally, at the huge table in art class. She’s cute—a short, spunky, blonde 14 year old who clearly likes boys and parties. She chews gum and has braces. She talks about the boyfriend, but I never meet him.

“You mean during school?” I ask.

“Yeah. I’ve already talked to the school counselor, and our absences will be excused.”

I’m shocked. I didn’t know that was possible. She doesn’t even seem scared. I agree to take her.

The next day, we meet at the school office at the agreed time. We get passes from a lady who apparently keeps attendance records. I have never seen her before. She doesn’t smile. I can’t tell if she is annoyed or concerned. She tells us that this will not be on record and our parents will not know.
We walk out of the stuffy high school halls into the California sun. It’s 1992, and life still feels safe. We get in my 1986 Nissan and drive down to the city. It’s a quiet 20 minute ride. The only reason I agreed to this, I think to myself, is to try to talk her out of an abortion if she’s pregnant. But I am tongue-tied. I don’t know what to say. The radio buzzes faintly. I am too nervous to turn it up. I ask her what she will do if she is pregnant. She mentions abortion. I ask if she knows how those work. She doesn’t. I tell her what I know about abortion procedures. Maybe knowing will keep her from this choice, I think. Silently, I pray.

We find the building. We agree that I will wait in the car while she goes inside. (I wish I had gone inside. I wish I had been with her the whole time.) She jumps out of the car and walks in. I think about what I might say if she is pregnant, if she’s not. I think about the class I’m missing and watch the clock. I have my own turmoil of life, moving to a new school for my senior year. Few friends. Family troubles. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I think about what her life at home is like—her mom is single and has a boyfriend. I don’t know much more than that. She seems popular. Why did she ask me to take her? Doesn’t she have other friends with cars? Did she not want them to know? The radio still buzzes.

She comes back to the car and bounces in. Not pregnant. She seems relieved, but not really any different than she seemed going in. Has she done this before? I don’t remember our conversation afterward, just the rush to get back to school.

As often happens in the weird culture of high school, our two lives went on. She changed classes, and I didn’t see her in art class again. Occasionally, we would see each other in the hallways. Our eyes would meet, then a smile and hi, and we’d walk on. After graduating, I never saw her again.

Twenty years later, and I think how differently I would respond to her. But I was 17 and she was 14, and maybe it happened just as is it was supposed to happen. Sometimes I still pray.

Home ~ A Song

I wrote the following song as I reflected on what "home" really means last year (March, 2012.) This idea of pilgrimage is a theme in my life, and I would guess for many Christians. Some inspiration for (and allusions in) this song are Psalm 90, Hebrews 11, and one of my mother-in-law's favorite quotes, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." At some point, I would like to make a recording of this and post it. In the meantime, it might be meaningful to know that the first half of the song has a slower tempo with a more contemplative tone. In the second half, the tempo increases. As many of the Biblical Psalms, the tone of the song changes in the middle of the song, I and consider God's greater purposes, character, and love. He not only is the destination of our journey, but our refuge and security along the way.



You have been our shelter, LORD,
You have been our home.
You have been our shelter, LORD,
You have been our home.
In every generation
You have always been the same:
A dwelling place secure
And free from harm.

And I wait for you… I wait for you.

We have wandered over all the earth.
Where can we find rest?
Our shelter is the LORD.
He is our home.
We are weary. We are wounded.
Where can we find rest?
Our shelter is the LORD.
He is our home.

And I wait for you… I wait for you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I will not wait to live.
I will fully embrace the life you give!
Thank you, Father, for the journey.
I’m fighting for joy in the midst of pain.
I’m learning how to dance in the middle of the rain.
Thank you, Father, for the journey.

My hope is in the Lord
My hope is in the Lord
My hope is in the Lord
Maker of heaven and earth.

I will not wait to live.
I will fully embrace the life you give!
Thank you, Father, for the journey.
You have a plan that is bigger than me.
Give me the faith and the eyes to see.
Thank you, Father, for the journey
Home.

Saying Goodbye

I wrote this after one of our last visits with my father-in-law, who passed away November 25, 2012.

Visiting Pop 11/10/12

electronic beep
cold silence
of hospital hall
we sit
one on each side
of him
frail

lucid
(thank God)
honest
alone
but not alone

“Jesus is with you”
falls awkwardly out
…words…
hoping comfort sticks
“all the time”
his reply

“are you afraid?”
silence
“no… no, I’m not afraid. I know
where I’m going…”

stories
chuckles
electronic beeps
warm room

across the bed
son
intently watching
old wounds no longer sting
tears fill but do not flood,
tenderly
“what are you thankful for, Dad?”
and
“what do you want me to tell the boys?”
and
“you fought a long time. It’s ok to
stop fighting…”
He lets him go.
Son lets father go.

softly
“Are you worried, Dad?”
immediate
“What do I
have to worry about?
With Jesus’
hand in my hand
I‘ve got nothing to worry about.”
And he always wondered what it would be like
and now
he’s here.

hands clasp
a kiss good-bye
I look back
his eyes fix on son--
eyes ask for more--
but he lets him go.
Father lets son go.

cold silence
of hospital hall
rapid pace
together
choking back
tears
must fall.

The Three C’s to a Joyless Life

Do you want your joy sucked out of you like a balloon, blown up taut, then released by a little boy who gleefully watches it dart full speed from ceiling to corner to floor, limp and shriveled? Do you want your joy sucked out of you? Here are three easy steps. However, you don’t even need to do all three! Just pick one and enough of your joy will be diminished that you may not even need the other two!

Compare

Compare yourself to your neighbor, your sister, that other mom at playgroup, your “sisters in Christ” at church, the weather person on TV…. Anybody really. Compare your body, your clothes, your socio-economic status, your home, your husband, your fitness level, your car, your job, your children, your smile, your hair, your toenails…. Anything really. After all, you were made to be like them. You were made to be like that. Right?

Complain

Complain about the weather, the food, the dog, the kids, the spouse, the tech problems, the chores, the laundry, the dishes, the mess, the leak, the traffic, the old car, the new car, the old house, the new house, how long it’s taking, that it’s going too fast. Complain about ALL of it. After all, we were made for complaining. Weren’t we?

Compromise

Compromise on what your really hold dear. It’s ok. Just take a step or two away. It’s not that important, is it? Compromise on who you really are. It’s ok. Maybe who you really are isn’t what this world needs. Maybe who you really are is a bit of a mistake, and really you need to be more like … oh, here we are at step one, comparing!

As you can see, joylessness need only be around your next corner!

* * * * *

YOU were made with PURPOSE in the IMAGE OF GOD.


GIVE THANKS in ALL things, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.


REJOICE always, PRAY without ceasing, in everything GIVE THANKS.


GUARD YOUR HEART with all diligence, for out of the heart spring all the issues of life.


BUY THE TRUTH and sell it not.


HOLD FAST to these things.


ABOVE all, put on LOVE.

Purpose in the Pain

Sometimes people express amazement at the fact that I birthed 2 of my 3 children naturally, that is, with no medical intervention to manage the pain. I have had people shake their heads, smile, and look at me in wonder. Why? I guess because I chose that kind of pain when alternatives were available to me. I honestly don't think of it that way. It wasn't butterflies and pixie dust, trust me. But I would not trade the experience I had for anything. Perhaps there was some naiveté in my decision. (But, then again, I did do it a second time!) Really, I was compelled by several factors. At the top of the list was a belief that the full experience, the way it was intended to happen naturally, would be manageable because there was purpose in the pain.

On the night of Jesus' betrayal and arrest, he spent a long time talking with his disciples. You can read the conversation, which is really more of a monologue, in John chapters 14-17. As a follower of Jesus, when I read these words, I blissfully sit in the beauty and truth of it all. His choicest, kindest, most encouraging words were saved for this night. When he could have rightfully been the one in need of encouragement (he was going to be tortured the next day!) he poured out beautiful words which he knew his friends would need to fall back on in the days and years ahead. Speaking of the difficulties that were about to come upon them, of which they were sheepishly ignorant, Jesus said,

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16:20-22 NIV)

He means to encourage his disciples with this great truth: the present pain has purpose and will be turned to joy one day. Not only would Jesus' friends find themselves holed up in their homes, confused and shaken, after his violent murder, but Jesus' friends through the ages have and will find themselves in the most painful, confusing, doubt-inducing situations. Sometimes we are sad. Sometimes we are angry. Sometimes it feels intolerable to live one more day in a world so broken by death and decay. Jesus says, "Hold on. Now is your time of grief. But that is not the end of the story. I will see you again. You will experience endless and unspeakable joy."

I can't help but think that Jesus encouraged himself with this truth in the garden of Gethsemene. While asking his father if there was possibly another way, Jesus experienced anguish. This is not a different, less acute kind of anguish or sorrow than we feel. Remember, Isaiah paints Jesus as the "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." John Eldridge, in his book Beautiful Outlaw writes:

We who worship Jesus Christ hold fast to the belief that he was God. “Very God of very God,” as the Nicene Creed states. The heroic actions and miraculous powers of Jesus’ life attest to it. So, when we read what we would call the more human moments, we feel that Jesus was sort of . . . cheating. With a nod and a wink we know that what’s really happening is that Einstein has dropped in to take the first-grade math quiz. Mozart is playing a measure in the kindergarten song flute choir. After all, we’re talking about Jesus here. The guy walked on water, raised Lazarus from the dead. He never broke a sweat, right? But then, what do you make of that terrible sweat in Gethsemane?

Deeply distressed. Overwhelmed with sorrow. Anguished.

This doesn’t sound like somebody cheating to me. He begs his Father, with tears, that this awful cup might be taken from him. Please, let there be some other way. He doesn’t want to do it. Sweat like blood pouring from his tormented brow. He pleads with his Father, and then he pleads a second time, and then a third. Does this sound like Einstein adding two and two?

How, in his humanity, could he bear it? How could he endure being alone, forsaken by his friends, betrayed, unjustly accused, lied about, mocked, humiliated, made a spectacle, physically tortured in the worst way, and the pinnacle (a suffering, bless God, we will never know because he did) his father turning from him and pouring out justice on him, the sin-bearer. How could Jesus endure it? The answer is in Hebrews 12:2. Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, for the joy set before him, endured the cross. The key to the ability to endure suffering? Faith. Holding onto to the God who has a purpose in it. There is a day of joy to come.

When my children come to me in all their drama, as their world is ending over something like a video game freezing up or a favorite snack absent from the pantry, I help them through the moment and fix what I can. But my parental perspective keeps me unflustered. The world will only end once, and it's not going to be today. (And I'm pretty sure it won't end over video games or snacks!) If I try to explain how silly their anxiety seems, it is only hurtful to them. I just love them through it and know they will grow up. Perhaps later the world will end over pimples or fender-benders. From my parental perspective, I know they will not only survive but probably mature through some hardship. So it is with our heavenly Father. He sees what we can't see. Someday we will understand.

Paul got it right: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18 NIV) If we could consistently hold on to this hope, how differently we would live! In his book A Reason For God, Tim Keller has a chapter called "How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?" he writes:

I think we need something more than knowing God is with us in our difficulties. We also need hope that our suffering is "not in vain." The Biblical view of things is resurrection-- not a future that is just a consolation for the life we never had but a restoration of the life you always wanted. This means that every horrible thing that ever happened will not only be undone and repaired but will in some way make the eventual glory and joy even greater...an infinitely more glorious world than if there had never been the need for bravery, endurance, sacrifice, or salvation.

The Easter season sets a table for us to taste again, not only fun treats like chocolate eggs and Peeps, but the noble themes of sacrifice, suffering, and glorious resurrection. Any joy or hope we encounter from savoring our Savior is merely a tiny foretaste of the deeper joy to come. With a belief that there is purpose in the pain, perhaps a settled perseverance can calm our lives.

The creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.... We ourselves, who have the first-fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved... And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:18, 21-24, 28 NIV)